The Reason I Breathe Read online

  Then there was you, babe. Did you just want to sightsee, drink from the bottle you bought, or were you expecting something else? I wasn’t sure if you were testing the waters or how far you’d let me go. I didn’t intend to fuck you in my Bronco. I waited too long. I wanted to bed you, touch you, and make love to you. But at that moment, what I really wanted was to kiss you.

  I knew something was up because you’d purchased booze. Now, I wasn’t sure if this was a New York thing and you were a party girl now. It crossed my mind that maybe you wanted it as an excuse in case we went too far. I expressed those feelings, which of course you adamantly denied. It didn’t matter to me. After thirteen years of continual fantasies about this moment, I was ready to settle for anything you’d be willing to give. I would settle for any scrap or crumb. I was desperate just to touch you. To feel the warmth of your flesh. I would never believe this was reality until I could.

  Once I tasted your mouth, I was gone, physically and emotionally. I was so hungry I could barely contain myself. It had started out as light as a feather but then became crushing. I couldn’t get close enough. The feel of your lips on mine, our tongues entwining as our bodies pressed together. I knew this moment would never be enough. I could sense from your breathing and the quiet mews that you wanted more. But you made it abruptly clear there would be no fucking.

  I decided to push the envelope by letting my fingers do the walking. Jesus, you were so fucking wet. My finger became immersed as I slipped one between your lips, your pussy greedily clenching. I almost came in my pants. All I could think about was my cock being in there. You ground against my hand, demanding, wanting more. Your conscience might be saying no, but your body clearly wanted this. I pushed in a second finger and started flicking your nub. I began circling your clit, driving my fingers deeper. As I pressed myself closer to you, your body became boneless in your state of pleasure. The inside of the car became saturated with the scent of arousal and surrender. I knew you’d accepted me—the minute you came. Your orgasm dripped from my fingers, and I never wanted to lick my hand so badly.

  You pretended what just happened hadn’t. I didn’t even try to cover up my precum spot on my jeans.

  I wanted to savor the moment and that spot so I could caress it when I got home, signifying the reality of the moment. Regardless, Ryan, I’m still a man, and I wanted to preserve what had just happened. I knew without a doubt that what I’d felt for you all these years was true. I loved you so much right then. I almost thought I’d never get close enough.

  You wanted no part of me. Well, I had no doubt you wanted me physically. But your brain was never going to allow you to get past the age difference and the fact that I was the kid you used to babysit. You made it clear to me in that moment. What had occurred between us was a mistake. It had gone too far and you would take all the blame. You were sorry. I know I acted pissed off and that was probably because my ego had taken a hit. But hell, I wasn’t sorry, babe. I’d been tongue-tied in your mouth and knuckles deep in your sweet pussy. You expect me to regret that?

  Don’t be shocked. You know I talk dirty, and I know how you love it.

  I was convinced you broke my heart that night. I suppose in my twenty-one-year-old mind, my lips and fingers would have convinced you to come home with me. Of course, I had no idea where I would stash Carrie. Did I ever tell you I somewhat secretly wished for a threesome? But that thought quickly evaporated once I was inside you and knew the sweet embrace of your pussy. I would never be able to share. I also knew you would never make this easy. God, Ryan, you really toyed with me. You made it so hard—and not in a sexual way.

  ~4~

  I didn’t hear from you for over a week. I knew you and Trina were hanging out. Even though I was discouraged, I was by no means giving up. I had to admit I was a prick. After that night, I was pissed when I got home. I took it out on Carrie. I told her we were done. There were tears and questions. I couldn’t give her any answers. I had no idea if you’d ever come around, but I knew she would be a problem. I had no concept how much. If I had, maybe I’d have handled it better. I knew she went crying to my mother and probably Trina too. Carrie was another obstacle, and I couldn’t take the chance.

  Trina had called me and mentioned you needed a job. One that required no questions asked. I’ll have to admit that threw me for a loop. Exactly what happened in New York and what were you running from? I could say you should have confessed at that moment. But truly, I knew me too well. It would have killed me inside to know you were married. That he’d hurt you. That you were hiding. I would have wanted to destroy him. If I had known, Garrison would have had an early expiration date.

  You looked so worried and nervous when I came over that night. It was the perfect opportunity to not only see you again, but also help you. I wanted you to see how resourceful I could be. Okay, not really. I just wanted another opportunity to get into your pants. I know you won’t believe this, Ry, but I’m actually like any other guy. Oh, I have changed via marriage and fatherhood, but at twenty-one I was one of “those.”

  I’m sure there were times when “Mr. Man Whore” came out and you caught a glimpse. Occasionally, he showed up during sex. You have to know by now I love it obscene and naughty. I thought I’d found my match in you—because you enjoyed it too. I always wanted to be on my best behavior. Why did you think I wouldn’t let you blow me in that bathroom? Not because I didn’t want to. Fuck, babe, by then, that’s all I could imagine. Those pouty lips wrapped around my cock.

  I got you the job at Peaceful Paws. In my mind, I was achieving two goals. I would ignore you, because nothing is more appealing than shunning someone. Another logical concept of a twenty-one-year-old. Two, I would make you see me as an adult—a professional. I think it was never the age difference that made you pull away. It was the fact I was the kid you used to babysit. Did you think I cared? I waited for you, Ryan.

  Sometimes I think you honestly believe when you’re older, I’ll walk away. You honestly believe after all we’ve gone through, I would ever want someone else. You are my entire world, and it kills me that would even cross your mind. I’ll always want you, Ryan… even after I take my last breath. Don’t you think I would change places with you right now. If God wants a life, he can take mine. I know you’d survive without me because you’d have the kids. I’m scared, babe. I think maybe I’ll become my father or go crazy like my mother. The only thing I’ve ever wanted is to be a good husband and the best possible father.

  Do I sound like a selfish bastard? Sometimes I feel like one. I busted my ass to have you and keep you. Even when you pushed me away, we were like magnets drawn to each other. Didn’t you recognize me as your soul mate? Because that’s what we are.

  When I saw you at the rehearsal dinner, somehow I knew that night would be peppered with possibility. I could see it in your eyes. They sparked with desire, and I thought maybe, just maybe, you wanted me. When I got you in the bathroom, you let me devour your mouth. Our bodies pressed tightly together as I sucked on your tongue, tasting you, drinking you in. With you positioned on the sink, we were a perfect fit. My dick pulsed against your pussy, and God how I wanted to bury myself inside you, so deep I’d get lost for days. When you decided to get amorous and unzip my slacks, it was intense. I imagined those lips wrapped around my cock and that pink tongue licking me. But, Jesus, Ryan, I didn’t want you blowing me on your knees in a bathroom. I wanted to savor each lick and contemplate each suck as I watched you consume me.

  When I denied you—and, baby, I wasn’t saying no, just not now—the truth is if I had allowed you to taste me, I would have ended up pounding you into the floor. You know I have no control when I see your body. The moment I pulled you back up to me, I knew your demeanor had changed. It wasn’t that you were pissed because I said no. It was because you’d gotten inside your own head again and now you had mixed feelings. Damn, when you told me you didn’t want to break my heart, I almost lost it. You’d been causing an ache so deep within me f
or years; I guess I should have been used to it. But when I verbally heard you say it, you crushed me, babe. I knew we were back at square one. I knew I’d lost you when you called the next day and cancelled dinner.

  I was floored when I saw you in the wedding. I had no idea you were Trina’s maid of honor. I mean, when the fuck had that happened? When I thought about it later, I was convinced my sister had put some kind of voodoo hex on her previous maid of honor. Of course, I knew that hadn’t happened and maybe God does work in mysterious ways. Evidently, I was oblivious to quite a lot. I never told you, did I? I found the letter Trina wrote to you before she left on her honeymoon. God bless my sister. I’m sure she’s wondered why her birthday gifts have gotten so extravagant in the last few years.

  I thought my heart would beat out of my chest when I saw you there. You looked breathtaking, and in that moment, I saw our marriage, our children, our future life. I could visualize us saying I do. God, Ryan, how you enjoyed tormenting me. You spent most of that afternoon ignoring me. It was sheer torture taking photographs together and not being able to touch you. You wouldn’t even speak to me. I felt extremely defeated. Was it payback for the days I snubbed you at work? Or were you scared?

  When you actually said yes to a dance, I knew I was lost. I fully understood surrender, both mentally and physically. There was just no way I could be this close to you and not have you respond. Goddammit, Ryan, I needed you to see me as a man and love me. Why did you spend so much time pushing me away? You made me work so fucking hard. You wanted me, yet you spent every opportunity plotting our demise. I hate that I still feel incensed by you wanting to sabotage our chances. I know. You were married and afraid. I know all of it and still wonder how we survived so many hits.

  Sometimes I even think about whether you love me as I love you. Don’t take this the wrong way because I know you love me, but I sense you’d get past the loss of me. I know it would devastate you, but you’d live. You’d be able to go on because you’d have our kids. Raising the children would be enough to carry you. For me, Ry, there would be no getting past it. Just the thought of living without you is killing me. I feel like I can’t get enough air to sustain life. I’m not like you. I’m not the strong one. I’m not what you think I am. So don’t you leave me. I need you. Our children will need you. You are loved so much more than I can put into words. And if you come back to me, I will spend every day until I die making sure you never doubt it.

  ~5~

  You annihilated me at the wedding. Maybe because I was immature. I couldn’t take it anymore. Your constant pressing the hold button every time we got close or, my favorite, the excuse that you used to babysit me. Babe, who would give a shit? Only you. I wanted you to see me as a masculine, a full-grown adult male. And somehow, you managed to push out the man and put an eight-year-old child in his place. I guess it became too much. I knew I was stupid and naive. God, I’d waited for you for thirteen years, and now I was prepared to throw it away because you wouldn’t respond to me.

  The truth is I never had to work hard to get a girl—ever. Let me think. In fact, I never had to work at getting any girl. All I knew is I wanted you. My entire life had revolved around you, and now you were pushing me away. I couldn’t stand the fact that maybe you didn’t want me. I’d carried the dream for so long, and the reality was rough. So I gave up. I left you sitting there and told you I was done.

  §

  I get up and walk over to Ryan’s bed and squeeze her hand as I press my head lightly to her belly. “I could never let you go. I’ll never be done. I love you too much, baby.”

  §

  The last thing I expected was to see you at my apartment. When I’d gotten home, I was pissed. Pandora, my cat, knew. She rubbed up against me and purred loudly. Somehow stroking her made me calm. I unbuttoned my dress shirt, undid the tie, and kicked off my shoes. I grabbed some kibble to feed the cat, then sat down to unwind to some soft jazz.

  I didn’t want to brood about you. You’d been such a large part of my daily thought process that I didn’t know how to stop.

  I rubbed my hand up and down both arms, feeling the scars of my past. My tattoos covered them well. Most people didn’t know. I hid them well, especially at work. I suppose my upper body could be considered a work of art. I had a mixture of tribal and pacific tattoos covering most of my arms, half of my chest, and part of my back. Anywhere my father marked me. It had taken over a year and at times been quite painful. Scar tissue hadn’t been easy to cover. But I wore my tats like badges of survival.

  I’d never been with a girl shirtless. Many had seen the tattoos, but I’d always worn a shirt during sex. The thing I’d never wanted was pity, and I knew once they touched me, they’d ask questions. You could feel the indentations and scarring, but you really didn’t see the damage unless you looked closely.

  I couldn’t believe it was you when I opened the door. Jesus, Ryan, you looked ethereal. I must have looked like a dumb shit just standing there with my mouth gaped open.

  You studied me from head to toe, stopping on my tattoos. I could see your breath as you stared. My dick turned to steel. Damn, baby, what you did to me. Fuck the entire night. You looked at me with such raw hunger all I wanted to do was devour you. I swept you into my arms and pressed you hard against my bare chest. My tongue searched for entrance as I licked your bottom lip. You clearly wanted to dominate the situation because your tongue dueled with mine as you sucked on the tip. I heard you let out a soft moan as you succumbed to my kiss. I knew you could feel how hard I was because you ground your body against mine. I picked you up, and I knew I’d won the minute your bag dropped to the walkway. You knew defeat. You relinquished your body to me.

  I continued to kiss you as I closed the door with my foot. I wanted to inhale every bit of breath you had. I wanted to be responsible for your oxygen. I was dizzy with want as I remembered we left your bag at the front door. I quickly opened the door and grabbed it. You looked cold, your skin chilled, and all I could think about was getting you warm.

  You peered around my apartment and seemed surprised. I assumed you figured I had some kind of a man cave or slut central. You petted Pandora as you followed me into the kitchen. Even as I handed you a drink, I still couldn’t believe you were here—in my home.

  A nervous anticipation raced up and down my spine as I began to unbutton your coat. One by one, the buttons revealed that sexy bridesmaid dress. You do know I really loved that dress… especially taking it off. With any other woman, I would have taken you right there in my living room. But I wanted to memorize every step from the beginning to when I was so deeply embedded inside you I’d feel your heart beat.

  I brushed my lips against your neck and shoulders as I continued to slide the dress off you. Your body quivered as it fell to the floor and pooled at your feet. I was literally mesmerized. Every dream and fantasy I’d ever had about you would never compare to this moment. God, you were exquisite. My hand brushed against your panties as I pulled you into my warm body. I was so hard it bordered on torture. Your sex collided with my thigh, and I could feel how wet you were. I held you tightly in my arms as I stroked you with my tongue, deepening the kiss. I blanketed you with my arms as I caressed your mouth and sucked on your bottom lip, walking you backward toward my bed. I stopped the kiss just long enough to yank all the linens off my bed. You didn’t look pleased and crossed your arms in front of your breasts, shivering from the chilled air.

  Baby, I couldn’t share you. Even with the blankets. If anything was going to keep you warm and secure, I wanted it to be my body. I’d waited too long, and now I couldn’t get my pants off fast enough.

  Your eyes grew wide as I discarded my pants. Evidently, you were pleased with my cock. Granted, I’d never had any complaints. But your approval was the only thing that mattered. It made me generally happy that what I offered was generous enough. You inched toward me, and I could see anticipation mixed with possessive lust in your eyes. I nearly came undone when you licked your l
ips. Jesus Christ, Ryan. That first time with you was like… well, my first time. I had to fight my own body and will to keep from coming before I even touched you.

  When you took me between your lips, I thought for sure I’d died. Having my cock in your warm, moist mouth had to be akin to heaven. You took me in entirely. Lapping your tongue across my crown and teasing the rim. It took everything I had not to explode right then. When you drew me in deeper, my eyes rolled into the back of my head. I’d never had another woman take me in that completely. When you grazed my balls with your fingertips, it was over for me. I felt my cock go taut and my sack tighten. You continued to suck me farther into your throat as your one hand pumped my length. I could feel my release spiraling toward the top of my cock. You drank all of me as my flesh swelled in your mouth. You took me in to the hilt and swallowed every drop.

  I’d never experienced the feelings I was currently having. The emotions welling up inside me far surpassed getting a blowjob. The warmth I felt, I’d never known. Being with you was different. This felt real. It was then I knew I could never let you go. I’d never known what destiny was. I could never define it—until now. I finally knew what it meant. It was you.

  Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. You just sucked my cock and any guy you blew would feel the same. Baby, I’d loved you so long; this was just confirmation. No one will ever rival you, and I wasn’t going to let you go.

  I never realized how abysmal the road to happiness would be for us. Don’t get me wrong. No matter what we went through, I love the result. Sometimes it’s worth the fight, and, Ryan, you are so worth it. I only hope I’m worth it and you’ll fight to come back to me.