The Reason I Breathe Page 6

I had to know. I had to hear you say it to me, without Carrie there. My heart ached and my body throbbed just to hear the truth. You were irritated I’d stopped, but I asked anyway. I’d spent my entire life waiting to hear you say those three words. I asked you to say them again. You whispered them to me as you would to a lover, to a man. I’ve never been more positive of anything else. If I’d died that minute, it would have been okay, because it seemed as though I’d been holding my breath. Inhaling for thirteen years. I’d only exhale, take that life-affirming breath, in the event you would ever love me. I believed you, Ryan. When you told me I love you, I knew it to be genuine.

  ~11~

  “Hey, Andrew, I brought you some clothes.”

  I look up, feeling slightly disoriented. Quinn has his arms full of jeans and shirts. I guess I must have fallen asleep. I lean over and peek out through the blinds. Yeah, it’s daytime, but it looks gray and dreary, which pretty much matches my mood. I yawn and stretch as I get out of the chair to help him.

  “How are you doing?” Quinn asks as he hands me the clothes.

  I immediately toss them onto the cot; I’ve hardly even slept on it yet. The chair has been my resting place since day one. “Eh… you know,” I reply, unsure how to answer that question. How am I doing? Miserable. Depressed. Unhopeful. Feeling sorry for myself. Ugh!

  “Where’s Trina?” I ask as I usher Quinn to the other chair. I’m not really in the mood for a chat, but in truth, Quinn has always been the serious type, the kind that keeps to himself. Having him show up and attempt conversation is a rarity. I always wondered what drew him and my sister together. He seems a little too tame for her. I used to joke and tease her that he must have a huge cock or some stylish oral skills.

  “She took Holly to the reindeer ranch. Girls’ day I suppose.” He chuckles, trying to avoid Ryan’s bed. “How is she, Andrew?”

  I shake my head, trying to avoid eye contact. I gulp, attempting to draw in more air. The room feels warm and claustrophobic. “The same. Sometime she moves—but they say all coma patients do that. It’s normal.”

  I look over at Quinn, and for a moment, I know what he’s thinking. What if this had happened to him? He could be in my place. Trina could be lying in a coma. I also know Quinn would have faced the situation logically. Stoically. He’s not the kind of man to overdramatize things and get all emotional. He’s not me.

  “How about getting some food? I hear the cafeteria is awesome.”

  I grin at Quinn, who glances back with a crooked smile. “I’m not really hungry, but maybe a cup of coffee,” I reply, grabbing my jacket off the back of the chair. I follow him out the door, looking back at Ryan. “I’ll be right back, baby,” I whisper.

  Two cups of coffee and one bear claw later, Quinn and I have run out of conversation. He’s a nice guy, but most of the time we’ve spent together was years ago, building a man cave. We’ve led extremely separate lives. The only thing that connects us is my sister. I really appreciate his part in taking care of Holly. I know it’s difficult on him, personally and emotionally. Trina and he have been trying to adopt for the last year after finding out he was shooting blanks. Nothing like being told your manhood is good for only one thing and procreation isn’t it. Both Ryan and I felt for them.

  I’d only thought about marrying Ryan, loving her, and being with her forever. Having kids… that was like bonus points. Being told of my impending fatherhood on our wedding night was overwhelming to say the least. I’d been the one to bring up marriage and children much too early in our relationship. I honestly thought it was what she wanted to hear. But Ryan’s reaction wasn’t what I’d expected. It was disappointing. Of course, she had the whole I’m married to a psychotic sadist named Garrison thing to deal with.

  I have no idea how things would have turned out if she’d been honest from the get-go. Sometimes I think I rationalize it by imagining if she’d told me early on, we wouldn’t be here right now. She’d probably be living a life with someone else. Not that I wished that, but at least she’d be living. Not trapped inside some lightless world where I can’t get to her. I would rather she be taking her own breaths right now with somebody else than having a damn machine breathe for her as I sit by her bedside.

  Quinn and I say our good-byes before I go back to Ryan’s room. Nothing has changed. It’s still four sterile white walls, putrid hospital smells, and the constant beeping of machines. Her belly has expanded, and sometimes I speak to him. Ryan and I did that when she carried Holly. She’d read in some baby books that even before birth, they could hear you. So we talked to our daughter a great deal before she was born. Sometimes I chastise myself. Was my son hearing my stories? Clearly, I meant them for only Ryan. These were definitely not for children’s ears, but regardless, at least he would know how much I loved his mother and it had been lifelong.

  I sneak another shower quickly and change into my own clean clothes. The past few days, I’ve been wearing what Trina gave me when I stopped by.

  God, I am burned out. My bones ache and my face looks drawn. I haven’t been to work for over two months now and rely heavily on my employees to cover for me. I was able to get a substitute vet to take my place for ninety days. After that, I’m not sure what I plan to do. My son will be arriving soon with or without his mother being awake.

  Please, dear God, if you do exist, do not let my son come into the world without his mother. I can’t be both parents. Hell, at this point, I’m barely a father to the kid I have. I’m sure you agree. Please give me strength. If I’ve done something, punish me. Wait… you are punishing me. You gave me everything just so you could take it away. Tell me. What did I do to deserve this? What have I done? And why not have me be in a coma? Why her? Ryan never did anything to anyone. She’s a great wife and a good mother. Please don’t do this.

  I’m not sure if God hears me or if he’s even real. But on the outside chance maybe he is listening, I fall on my knees… constantly. I almost need pads I’ve been on them so many times now.

  I’m so tired. I feel past exhaustion. What I need, other than my wife awake and healthy, is just one night of dreamless sleep.

  ~12~

  Damn, you looked good enough to eat. In fact, you looked much too edible to go to my mother’s house for dinner. All of a sudden, my appetite for actual food was gone. I wanted the taste of you on my tongue, in my mouth, and slathered on my body. You slapped away my hand as I fondled your strapless top. I think you called it a bustier. I couldn’t have cared less. To me, it meant easy access.

  You ruined the sexual moment by bringing up my sister. Jesus, Quinn and she were back from their honeymoon. Already? Now I would have to hear about joyful romantic interludes they had in Fiji, when all I really wanted to do was be inside you. It was your fault. You had on that tight black skirt with a slit up to, well, your slit. And some short fuck-me-now boots. Damn, I wasn’t pleased anticipating you being checked out by Quinn. I knew he loved my sister but he was a man—and he had two eyes. I’d never been the jealous type but with you I was possessive as hell. I bundled you up, while you cautioned me. During our visit at my mother’s house, we were just friends. There would be no sexual innuendos. We were not to advertise being a couple.

  I agreed under threat of castration as I nodded, making the promise with my eyes. You didn’t want anyone to know. Not even Trina—and she had given her blessing. I grew tired of constantly being hidden in a virtual closet. I wanted to declare publically how much I loved you. But the only one I could tell was you.

  We made our way to the door. You stopped and gave me a glance that instantly made my dick swell. It was obvious you were having second thoughts about no sex before dinner. I smiled as I watched your eyes drift down to my now evident erection. I attempted to persuade you to consider the possibility of a sexual appetizer, but you immediately prodded me toward the front door with promises of post-dinner orgasms.

  Once we were outside, having a hard-on didn’t make any difference. The plummeting temperature mad
e my cock shrivel up like a dried prune. I almost had to check to see if I still had one. I smelled your perfume as I opened the car door for you. God, I really didn’t want to go tonight. I wanted to be selfish and keep you all to myself. It was too hard pretending we were just friends, especially since you had me in a constant state of arousal.

  When we arrived at my mother’s house, Trina knew. I realized it immediately because of the way she assessed both of us. You can’t deny the look of love, and you certainly can’t pretend you’re not together when you are. Making small talk with Quinn and my sister kept my mind off you for approximately twenty seconds. I felt this need to always be within reach of you. To feel the warmth of your skin or hear the sound of your voice. Even watching you breathe was a monumental event for me. I think it’s because I was never sure you were actually a reality. Maybe I felt undeserving, as if I shouldn’t be allowed this happiness. I should be denied. Up to this point, it had been relatively easy. If I’d known what lay ahead, I wouldn’t have let my guard down. I wanted this to be ideal. I wanted us to be perfect. And for a while, it was.

  What happened with my mother that night… Yeah, everyone acted surprised, but truly, Trina and I’d been witness to this for years now. I never brought it up because I had so much baggage; this was just extra. If I’d known what you carried, we could have pooled our resources and bought a trunk. When I thought back, my mother’s behavior had been fucked up for a long time. Even when I was a kid, she’d acted bizarre. It’s what I grew up thinking normal was. I’d never really given it a lot of thought until the way she behaved at dinner. Of course, now we know why she was irrational, but that night, we were all still oblivious.

  We thought it was the booze and the past abuse she’d gone through. We made excuses without bothering to investigate what was actually happening. I chose to ignore her blatant distaste of you without really questioning it. Let’s face it. I’m an idiot. She liked you until she thought we might be more than friends. That seemed to push her over the edge. That entire dinner turned into a fiasco. Everything went wrong. And you, Ryan, on top of everything else, you were angry with Trina. It made me regret telling you about my past. I had no idea my confession would cause a rift between you two. Neither you nor Trina said anything outright, but I felt the tension. Baby, it wasn’t her job to tell you. I’m sure it was more a case of her being ashamed than not wanting to confide in you. Maybe if you had known, you would have chosen to stay out of guilt or pity. That would have eventually ruined any chance for us getting together in the long run.

  No matter how mad you were at Trina, she’d always been your greatest cheerleader. She knew we were meant to be together. She’d watched me pine over you for years. Sometimes I was very vocal, and there were times I kept you to myself and no longer shared my feelings with her. I’m not sure how she finally concluded what I felt was real, but when you came back, she had no doubts. You were the one. Trina watched us struggle through obvious attraction and decided to take our future in her own hands. I will forever be grateful to my sister. Even at her wedding, among everything else, she finally called you on your bullshit and forced your hand the night she made you come to me. My sister told you in unspoken words it was okay for you to love me.

  When I kissed you in the dining room in front of Trina and Quinn, I momentarily forgot where we were. I have no regrets. I seriously hadn’t touched you in an hour. My mouth and my body ached for a taste—even if it were just a kiss. I caught you by surprise. Clearly, you were embarrassed. I leaned against the French door as you and my sister spoke. You didn’t want to define our relationship. What. The. Fuck? When you reciprocated my feelings, Ryan, that clarified it for me. The minute you professed your love for me, our relationship was set in stone. You were mine; I was keeping you and never letting you go. Ever.

  Frustration surged through my body, and I had enough of family time. I asked you if you were ready to go as I strolled casually into the kitchen. Frankly, all I had on my mind were orgasms—the ones you’d promised before we left to attend this travesty. I helped you on with your coat as I spoke to Trina.

  We both had lives now and we’d ignored our mother’s illness long enough. It was time to accept the reality that she was seriously ill. I had no idea if she needed AA or medical management. My mother had always pooh-poohed the idea of seeking treatment of any kind. She didn’t believe she was sick. I knew she had sleeping pills and anti-anxiety meds given to her by some quack that obviously hadn’t bothered to delve into the real issue. Trina agreed it was time to seek out actual professional care for our mother. She planned to speak to Quinn, and we would revisit this conversation in a few days.

  There were too many times I feared leaving my mother alone. I would feel more comfortable if I knew she was in an assisted care facility, getting the help she needed. She had to stop drinking.

  I was such a man-child, I swear, because even through this chaos, all I wanted to do was fuck you. I’d whispered those thoughts into your ear, causing you to blush because we were still in my mother’s kitchen. My only thought presently was hiking up that black skirt and burying myself in you. If Quinn and Trina weren’t in the living room, I would have. You grabbed my hand and sucker punched me in the stomach… not hard, but playfully.

  It did give me an idea, though. I really wasn’t into the whole BDSM thing, but for you, I’d master a blindfold and restraints. God only knew what you learned in New York. Evidently, you not only learned to say the word fuck a lot, but you enjoyed the act. I really didn’t want to dwell on the other men who had you. The thought of anyone other than me penetrating you made me go insane. Maybe you’d learned other sexual techniques I knew nothing about. All of a sudden, restraints sounded appealing. I could tie you to a bed—permanently. You chuckled when I brought up possibly trying BDSM, rolling your eyes.

  ~13~

  I couldn’t wait to get you home. What I needed was release. I was so stiff my dick felt strangled in my pants. I came close to knocking you over as I squeezed past you in the doorway. The house was chilly, so I threw some wood in the fireplace. You looked mesmerizing in the firelight. I barely had time to turn around when you pinned me up against the wall. Between licking your lips and your hand on my crotch, I was compelled to stay. I wanted to see where this scenario was going.

  It wasn’t easy getting my zipper down. My swollen length made it a difficult task, if I wanted to keep my jewels intact. My mind spiraled out of control when I realized what you had planned. I watched as your hand brushed against my cock through my briefs and you began hiking up your skirt. I groaned. I’m sure the neighbors within a five-mile radius heard. I watched as you went to your knees while tugging down my jeans.

  My breathing became labored because the anticipation was killing me. My shaft was pointing straight at you through my briefs. All I wanted right then was to have sanctuary in your mouth. God, how you tormented me with that salacious tongue. When you sucked on the damp spot my precum had made, I was gone. When our eyes met, in that moment, I knew I would always be yours. I’d been imprisoned all my life by the memory of you, and now that you were reality… I was definitely a lifer. It would always be you.

  You released me from my briefs and swiped your pink tongue across the slit while lapping up the drops of pearly fluid. As you took me in completely and deeply, you touched me tenderly along my balls and sack. I could feel my own heartbeat in my cock. Once you began licking me around the crown and side to side, my willpower was pushed to the limit. There wasn’t a damn thing I could do to stop myself from coming as your lips covered me. I felt my flesh swell as my balls tightened. You knew it too. You made sure I was firmly pressed against the back of your throat inside your sweet, wet mouth as I came. I watched your cheeks hollow out as my release filled you.

  I still had on my clothes. I shed them quickly, because oral had just been the beginning. Blowing me didn’t satisfy my desire for you. I needed to be inside. I needed to be deeply immersed in you so I could never get out. Hell,
I never wanted out.

  I’ve always loved the expression on your face when you see me naked. You don’t see scars. You see a flawless man. I’d waited all my life to have you look at me this way.

  Clearly, I wanted you, because my dick was tipping up toward my belly button as blood rushed to the engorged head. It was time to get you appropriately undressed. Of course, I couldn’t remove that sexy bustier without suckling on a nipple first. Dusty pink and peaked. First one, then the other. You tasted like honey.

  You were very anxious as you led my fingers to the zipper of your skirt. I imagined your arousal dampening your panties and how your pussy was throbbing for me. I finally got that damn skirt off, then watched as you helped me unsnap the bustier and throw it on the floor. I made sure you left on those fuck-me boots, because, baby, I had plans to totally take you in those. The air grew thick with your scent and I could smell how much you wanted me, and when I stroked you through your panties, I could feel the proof. I heard mewling sounds coming from your throat as I carefully peeled them down past your boots.

  You were caught off guard when I squeezed your ass and gave you a slap while flipping you over. I wanted you on all fours with those boots on. I pressed kisses to your lower back and your ass cheeks. I tested your pussy, sliding my finger along the seam. Your wetness drenched me and I felt how ready you were. Oh, Ryan, you had such a naughty mouth at that moment. The words you said—I almost wanted to stuff my cock back down your throat.

  My woman was anxious and getting feisty. I have to admit I enjoyed hearing you beg. I loved that you wanted me, that I gave you such pleasure. That my cock was the last one you’d ever know. I pushed deep inside you, but it didn’t feel close enough. I wrapped my arms around your waist and thrust powerfully inside. We filled each other so completely when I erupted, hardly a drop seeped out. If I had my way, babe, we’d have stayed locked together permanently.